The account of Brian Jobb
I was raised in a Christian home and remember getting my first Bible gift from a family member at age 8. I remember reading the story of Jesus' birth, so I knew a little bit about who He was. My grandmother was an organist at the church we went to on Sundays. I had an awareness of Him from young.
It was in 2004 when I had a defining moment. At this point, I had gone astray as far as I could go. My life was in shambles. My wife Janine had passed away from cancer, and both of her parents were killed suddenly in a tragic car accident. I’d lost my job, and also lost my own mother to cancer. I was struggling with addiction to cocaine, morphine, and marijuana, and I was battling depression. Things got so bad, I had to send my young daughters, Leah and Riekie, to live with their aunt and uncle. Then it was a vicious cycle of drugs and depression, and I was in a very dark place. And I was angry with God.
I was also suicidal, and had it all planned out. I’d bought a one-way ticket to Niagara Falls and I was planning on taking the big swan dive over the falls.
I was actually on the train but God had placed an angel on that train. I was sitting reading when this woman approached me out of the blue and started talking to me. She said, “I just think I have to tell you that I’m reading a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom, 2003), and I think you are one of the five I am going to meet.”
She went on to explain the book: you meet 5 people while here on Earth, and then after you die you meet them in heaven to understand why you met them on Earth.
I was really taken aback. It was a spirit jolting moment. I realized that I had to get off that train and read that book. I also suddenly realized that I was being very selfish to think I would take my own life, and realized how devastating that would be for my daughters.
About that time, I felt God start asking me why I was so angry. God basically said, “Instead of being angry, you should be thankful you met this woman (Janine); I gave you two beautiful daughters. You should be grateful I put this person in your life and blessed you.”
Then it was like a light switch—at least I describe it as that. This was a total paradigm shift in the way I thought about things.
So that’s about the time I started volunteering at the Welcome In Drop In Centre on Gordon Street in Guelph. I was homeless then, living on the street, but I started attending Night Light. I met some good Christian disciples then. My eyes started to be opened to what it looked like to be a true follower of Christ. Then I started a job with the Canadian Mental Health Association in Guelph. I really loved the people there. I was helping look after a group home called Discovery House, helping look after folks who were dealing with addiction and mental illness.
But I was still early in my own recovery. On the anniversary of my wife’s death, I relapsed, lost my job, was arrested, and sent to jail for 40 days. Not long after I got out, I met Paul George and started my Celebrate Recovery (CR) program, working through the 12 Steps. I really started to grow in my knowledge of God. Especially through Bible studies with Doug and Emily Morrison. Doug really took me under his wing. I got good discipleship training from those helping me. I had good Christian mentors like Bobby Clark and the Friday Men’s Group. And also Promise Keepers.
I was still not working, and was living in rooming houses that really weren’t suitable. But by that point I was resolute that I didn't want to go back to drugs. In fact, I really felt God had taken that desire away from me completely.
And then I started seeing the results of being obedient to God. I started to receive blessings like employment, and a good living arrangement. I was getting to see my daughters more regularly—up until then it’d been like 5 years of seeing them like 2 times a year.
And God started using me in different ways. I started volunteering with St. Vincent de Paul—helping on their donation delivery truck, picking up donations and delivering items where needed. I figured God had given me a strong back; I might as well let Him make use of it.
I went to the Agape Café to visit my friend, Paul George. I’d hang out on the couch upstairs waiting to be of use and then he’d come by and say something like, “I have to go do xyz, do you want to come with me?” I just kept myself available in case he had something to do. It was a very special friendship.
And it was really eye opening to see how Christ’s love was being displayed to other people. It was something I wanted for my own life. I wanted to be a blessing to other people, rather than a burden.
Then God started using me in new ways that pushed me outside my comfort zone. Like on Saturday nights when Doug and Emily couldn’t be there to cover things, they’d ask me to teach the lesson. I wasn’t a public speaker or anything, but God used me anyways. Becoming active in Celebrate Recovery also pushed me outside my comfort zone. But He was really blessing me for it too. For example, I could cover a Saturday night service and then the following week I’d get blessed hearing that so-and-so’s daughters wanted to start attending.
I could see that my obedience was fruitful. Even just in how I was feeling about myself. My self-esteem improved, and my depression was gone.
Someone showed me an illustration that really impacted me. It was a line with a point near the left side and then most of the line to the right. He said the section on the left side of the point was my life. The side on the right was eternity. He told me, “You and your wife will get to spend all of eternity together.” That got me started to look at my life on more of an eternal level. I started thinking of how to store up treasures in heaven.
I remember a pastor who approached me while I was volunteering one time. He told me “You must have Jesus - you have such a bright glowing smile.” Well, that's only been in the last 5-6 years, and that’s coming a long ways from sitting in a dark basement weeping.
I applied and was accepted to Emmanuel Bible College which I was pretty excited about. I wanted to be able to share the gospel more clearly, and have a better understanding of it myself so I could come across more clearly. Although financially I can't make attending Emmanuel Bible College a reality, that goal is still there for me. I still want to be able to communicate the gospel clearly, and have a deeper understanding of it.
I don't have a fear of sharing my faith. I’m happy to pray with people if they ask. I like offering to pray with or for people.
So now, I am more obedient, but not more comfortable stepping out. But I know God has His hands in it, and if that is so, it's going to turn out good, because it's for His purpose, not mine.
Janine. We were going to church. We were married at Knox, and we attended there as a family. When she was diagnosed, I leaned heavily on my faith and prayed constantly for a miracle. I was angry when I didn't get it. But she leaned heavily on her faith, which gave me some comfort. Certainly now I am comfortable knowing she's with the Lord. Because it gave her comfort in her dying days, it makes it easier for me now 12 years later. It’s a comfort that she is at peace.
Paul George. For the same reasons as Janine. I walked alongside him as well in his battle with leukemia. I prayed with and for him.
Doug Morrison. He’s been a huge teacher and friend.
Bobby Clark. He’s been my accountability partner and a general thorn in my side. Let me repeat that – a general thorn in my side (editor’s note: this was said with a huge loving smile)
My mom. She passed away a year before Janine.
My grandmother. She was the church organist and always had hymns playing. It was just the love that she gave me.
Max Lucado. One of the first Christian books I read was He Still moves Stones. That book was very encouraging. I read it early, when I was still getting out of treatment. I might have got it at the Royal City Church library, actually.
Well, there was that angel on the train...
But there were also a couple of occasions where I strongly heard... Well, once I am sure I heard God's voice clearly. Ok two. One when I was struggling with the condition of my heart. I was reading a book; I think it was Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge. At that time, I was questioning whether my heart was good. Whether I was a good person. And I was just struggling with whether my heart in the right place. This was after I’d been clean for a couple of years after the relapse. I strongly heard, “Brian, your heart is good”. I needed that confirmation. It stuck with me and I didn't doubt whether my heart was good after that.
And then to reconfirmed God’s word, a couple of weeks later, this guy at the Centre, I’ll call him Joe, well someone came in and said Joe’s wheelchair died outside the church; his battery was dead. So I went out and checked and indeed it was dead. So I went back in to ask if anyone had a car. Everyone was saying “No, no.” Meanwhile the Holy Spirit is urging me, “Brian, I want you to do this.” But I tried everything I could think of to get out of it at first. I didn't want to be the one. I went back outside, and asked Joe, “Can you call Guelph Mobility so they can come get you?” “No, no,” was the reply. So finally after it seemed all other doors were closed, I finally said to Joe, “I will just push you home.” So, I pushed him the 4-5 blocks in this really heavy wheelchair, almost getting run over a few times. Then, as I left his building, Joe says, "Brian, whatever you do for the least of them, you did for me.”
I knew I hadn't just pushed Joe home; I had pushed the Lord home.
The next day, I thanked Joe, saying: “Being able to help you blessed me in ways I can't even make you understand. You don't need to thank me, I need to thank you.”
Guilt was a big motivating factor for getting me back on track. As a result of the relapse, I was charged with theft and received 40 days in jail because I had stolen some $ from the Mental Health Association, which funded my relapse. I was ashamed. At the same time, other people were investing heavily in me. I was getting prayed for by a whole team of prayer warriors. That made a huge difference - Holy Spirit intervention was happening, I could see that God was hearing their prayers. Because of their obedience and relationship with me, prayers on my behalf were being received by God.
So, when I went to jail, sometimes they let me help lead the worship in our jail Bible study. I played music while I was in jail. And God was using me there to reach out to other people incarcerated there with me. I even had guards that would give me trouble for singing. "You’re different,” they’d say, “There’s something not right about you. You’re not supposed to be happy!"
There was an opportunity, because there aren't a lot of activities, to reflect in jail. I read my bible, prayed, read good Christian books like The Man In The Mirror and The Dad In The Mirror by Pat Morely. It was a good time of reflection.
I think of the time I was at my lowest and I was sick. This was after I sent my kids to live with their aunt and uncle. I was overdosing. I didn't want to live. I was using so much morphine, cocaine, and marijuana. I hadn’t eaten for weeks. My skin was grey. I was sent to hospital and then transferred to a hospital in Windsor that was better suited for treating addiction and mental health issues. My dad saw me in the hospital and said I looked like I’d been dead 3 days but had forgotten to lie down. I had just given up on life. I didn't want to live anymore.
So I would say to a skeptic: For God to take someone who is that low, and who had given up on himself, -- well, only God could change that person as drastically as He changed me. To give someone back hope where there was none. To completely lift them from their addictive nature and restore them to mental health. He saved me; I was literally saved from death.
I remind Bobby Clarke all the time: “The wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). That was me. That verse speaks right to my heart because I was trapped in sin. The only way out was through salvation.
Also the fruits of the spirit. God filled me with love at a time when I didn’t even love myself. I didn't care if I lived or not. I was also given patience and joy, and the ability to start caring for myself.
Fear is a big factor - fear of other people's opinions, that they'd be ridiculed. Of not having that willingness to completely surrender and give your trust. For me, a lot of my salvation had to do with the fact that I was so willing to surrender everything. I had lost everything, so I said, “OK lord, I am going to place my trust in you. I am going to trust you in absolutely everything. From finding me a job, to finding me a place to live.” There’s a fear of giving total control. Fear of taking the chance. Do I surrender control of my habits? My hang-ups? My hurts?
The first thing I’d tell them is that God is so much bigger than any of their problems. That He cares for the smallest details of our lives. And that His promises are true, they never change. Those promises of blessings that He had for Abraham are just as true for you and me today as they were then for Moses. And fruits: a peace that lasts because it comes from the Lord.
Plus, you don’t need to go get another fix of anything a few hours later.
You can't do it alone. And part of that comes from really asking for that personal relationship with Jesus. Asking Jesus, and really trying to develop that relationship with Him. If you are feeling alone, knowing that He's always there available to talk with Him. And He WANTS that. He wants us to go to Him with our hurts and habits. He’s always there ready waiting, available to listen.
Just walk into a church. Get involved in a missions project. Go and either get help or help others. There is such a good feeling from it. Offer your service to God somehow. Ask Him to use the gifts He gave you
It’s 1135 for John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” And it’s in memory of Janine.
John 11 is the story of Lazarus' death. Jesus goes to His friend Lazarus’ grave, and was seen with tears in His eyes. All the Jews saw Him weeping and said amongst themselves that He loved His friend Lazarus so much He was weeping.
But I felt that the context was that He wasn't weeping for Lazarus, since He already knows He is going to Lazarus’ grave to raise him from the dead. He's weeping because Lazarus’ family was so sad and weeping. Lazarus’ sisters are inconsolable. It was a total moment of grief. But in the translation, it's more like He's shedding a tear of compassion. A compassionate tear. I really felt that when Janine passed away and I was the one in that uncontrollable sadness, the same Jesus that wept then for Lazarus’ family wept for me--in that same compassionate tear.
That's what really made me love Him, because He loved me first.
I am reminded of that every day now by that tattoo.
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